Holiday+Diffidence,+a+Memo

= Holiday Diffidence, a Memo =

To: The Board of Christmas From: Christopher Kringle, Santa Claus Attn: Article D of the Naughty Child Policy

Nathan, age 13, of 1224 North Sutton Avenue has been a naughty child this year, which follows a string of bad years (please see his attached file). This past year Nathan has been cruel to his many of his fellow children, for example, Moon, a nice enough child, he has named called through the crowded school hallways, “Hey, Mooner!”, “Hey, Mooner, your mama’s so fat she had a kid and she named him Moon,” and “Mooner, I think I saw you drive by my house this weekend, didn’t you have your cheeks against back window? Oh, wait that was your face!” This behavior is rude and unacceptable, and according to my records, Moon, is one of twelve heavily targeted victims of Nathan.

Nathan has also been awful to his older sister, Kate, whom he severely beat after an altercation when she refused to let him win at Wii bowling this past summer. Subsequently, she has moved out of the home to live with their weed-dealing birth mother across town because of the abuse she receives from Nathan and her father.

Nathan used to have a pet dog, Goldie, but he, in red-eyed rage, stabbed her with a knife for stealing his corn dog off the counter this past spring. Most of this iniquity has stemmed from his relationship with his parents. His mother refuses to speak with him because of his brashness, and his father hits him with a dented aluminum baseball bat for speaking. Todd, his father hasn’t been on the Nice List since 1977 (Please see attached file), and recently, his live-in girlfriend “accidently” tumbled down the basement stairs. She’s now in a medically induced coma from her injuries, and no one has visited her.

I suggest we enact contingency, Compulsory Evolution, of Article D in the Naughty Child policy. I propose that, on Christmas Eve night, when I arrive at Nathan’s home, making sure it is only his father and he in the home, I replace the batteries in the smoke detectors with my stock of dead ones, dead-bolt the doors, chloraphorm both Nathan and his father, fray the wire of the Christmas tree lights, and place Nathan’s present between the sparks. The house will burn quickly, and the landlord’s insurance policy is up to date, which would be a nice bonus for her; she has been such a nice girl this past year, even gave Todd a free month’s rent.

The world will be better off without them, we’ll be able to focus on the Nice Child List and next year’s Naughty List will be a little bit shorter. Thank you for time in this busy holiday season. I know you all have had a stack of these memos from me this year, I believe, as I’m sure you do too, that this particular case merits expedience, and thank you as always for your unabashed support. I await your haste approval, and Merry Christmas!